This whole Covid-19 thing is endlessly rubbing me the wrong way. So far at least, I haven't been more than unnerved and inconvenienced. We have food. I have company. We hear from our kids. I have friends who have lost relatives. We've been lucky. But it rubs and rubs like a wet sock in a long race. It's never off my mind.
Beyond the usual worry about who will catch it, and how the first responders, and everyone else who is out there making our daily lives possible, can keep going at this pace, there is a sadness attached to this. Going for a walk has become an emotional challenge. I wear my mask and endure the looks of those who think it's "overkill". Hey, my degree is in French. Anthony Fauci's is in medicine. I'll take his word for it. I feel exposed in many ways when I'm out walking, and it is easier for me to stay at home.
We all wish we knew when this stage would end. But no one does, so we don't know how to steel ourselves for the challenge of living in fear and doing without our comforts and our hugs. My tears come quickly these days. I think about the people I've lost in my life, brothers, parents, friends, and I have learned to make a space in my heart for their memories. Over the years I've come to make peace with that and to carry them with me. How do you feel the presence of the ones you love who are still here, but aren't really? Seeing them on Zoom is like watching a movie. I see them, but they don't feel real. Nothing does these days.
I was chatting with a friend of mine the other day (on Zoom) who asked if I was singing. I hadn't realized that I'd stopped singing, in the shower, in church, around the house, everywhere. Music is a great healer and I have cut myself off. So I was listening to some Judy Collins songs on Amazon the other night and heard for the first time a song written by Randy Newman. It's called "Feels Like Home". One of the phrases is "If you knew how much this moment means to me, and how I've longed for your touch. If you knew how happy you are making me. I never thought I'd love anyone so much." It's been playing on a loop in my head ever since. This is how I will feel when I can hug my sons again. And I am looking forward to embarrassing them in public with my tears.
Beyond the usual worry about who will catch it, and how the first responders, and everyone else who is out there making our daily lives possible, can keep going at this pace, there is a sadness attached to this. Going for a walk has become an emotional challenge. I wear my mask and endure the looks of those who think it's "overkill". Hey, my degree is in French. Anthony Fauci's is in medicine. I'll take his word for it. I feel exposed in many ways when I'm out walking, and it is easier for me to stay at home.
We all wish we knew when this stage would end. But no one does, so we don't know how to steel ourselves for the challenge of living in fear and doing without our comforts and our hugs. My tears come quickly these days. I think about the people I've lost in my life, brothers, parents, friends, and I have learned to make a space in my heart for their memories. Over the years I've come to make peace with that and to carry them with me. How do you feel the presence of the ones you love who are still here, but aren't really? Seeing them on Zoom is like watching a movie. I see them, but they don't feel real. Nothing does these days.
I was chatting with a friend of mine the other day (on Zoom) who asked if I was singing. I hadn't realized that I'd stopped singing, in the shower, in church, around the house, everywhere. Music is a great healer and I have cut myself off. So I was listening to some Judy Collins songs on Amazon the other night and heard for the first time a song written by Randy Newman. It's called "Feels Like Home". One of the phrases is "If you knew how much this moment means to me, and how I've longed for your touch. If you knew how happy you are making me. I never thought I'd love anyone so much." It's been playing on a loop in my head ever since. This is how I will feel when I can hug my sons again. And I am looking forward to embarrassing them in public with my tears.
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